Lately, I’ve been feeling really nostalgic. Nostalgic in an intense emotion kind of way, that has really been something I can’t seem to kick. In which case, this blog is probably going to be more for me than for anybody reading it.
Last fall (I was in Newtown), I had a playlist of music all my own. I don’t recall actually making a playlist, but there are some songs that I played over and over again for different reasons. At the time, they were what helped me through a lot of things and comforted me. Now, they are songs that I desperately want to listen to, but every time I do, it brings back intense emotions that I’m not sure I want to deal with. I’m working on this. So here goes.
Samson by Regina Spektor.
I distinctly remember coming out of Planet Fitness after working out one night. As I was walking to my car, this song came on my headphones. I barely made it to the car before I started crying. Somehow the song was on repeat, and I don’t know how long I sat there in my tears before I pulled it together enough to see clearly enough to drive home. It was snowing. I actually have a Samson, and I would explain everything about him, but if you know me, you know. I still struggle with this precious little guy. The song and my interpretation of the song are two completely different things. So understand that.
Bobby Pins by Mikey Mew and the Lovely Few.
I just remember sitting on my bed listening to this over and over and over again. Often in the afternoons, with my window open, beautiful fall breezes flowing through my bedroom. Me snuggled up in a blanket with the cold air in my face. Mostly, I listened to it at night, after skyping Adam, before I fell asleep. I think that if there was one place I would like to go back to, just one more time, it might be these afternoons. After a walk to Starbucks, a few hours of Lost, and me and my journal. And this song.
Gotta Have You by the Weepies.
Late night drives to PBU with my brother, windows down. Also painting the basement in our house. It made me long for friendships and Adam and people. Newtown was such a precious town, I just wanted to know it more, know friends more. It was a lonely place, and a beautiful place for me all at the same time. Now I miss it. A lot. And maybe it’s because Texas is far more lonely than Newtown ever was. Except my best friend is here, and I like that. And I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Except a move back to Newtown or Columbia.
The Girl by City and Colour.
All I can think of is driving home from Austin last August. I played this on repeat, crying in the back seat after I left my love all alone in his new apartment. God was so patient with me. Megan and Andrew were so patient with me. I listened to it often when I got to Newtown too. And it still makes me think of last August and Austin and Adam. The lyrics are very true to our love story.
Anything and everything Austin Crane. More specifically, Place at the Table.
Also on the list,
Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus. Watcha Say by Jason Darulo. I Gotta Feelin by Black Eyed Peas.
All of these songs remind me, affectionately, of my Bucky and Kayla. New Years Eve on our drive to Philadelphia and Penns Landing. All of New Years Eve really, and the weeks surrounding that. They are the songs that bring more happy emotions. After my lonely time, when I began falling in love with everything about Newtown. And 2 days later, I was engaged. Which means, I was leaving Newtown and the snow. Just after falling in love with it.